Saturday, July 2, 2011

The Dumb Moments In Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Look, I'm going to do this now since I don't want to forget the stupid moments in Transformers: Dark of the Moon. That's because I don't want to see this bomb again to remember the dumb things about this turkey. Now I did do this with Sharktopus, a movie on the same level of quality as T:DOTM. So, here we go:

1. The Bunny Thing. Carly (Rosie Huntington Whiteley) gives this big white bunny toy to Sam. (Shia Labeouf) They later fight over it, and Carly tears off a foot to give to Sam. Maybe, that's supposed to be cute. But, I have no idea what the bunny means except maybe it's product placement for Playboy.

2. Sam can't get a job after saving the world twice. Let me get this right. Sam has saved the world twice. He got a medal from President Obama. And he can't get a freaking job?

3. Rosie Huntington Whiteley. Ms. Whiteley has set back the acting profession for British women for a hundred years. Yeah, she's that bad. Her only acting cues go from looking like she's modeling the body hugging clothes to screaming. She's absolutely dreadful. They should have just used a mannequin. They would have gotten the same performance and it would have been cheaper.

4. Whiteley's Ass. Okay, our first introduction to the gorgeous Whiteley is a close up of her ass as she is walking to the Sam's bed. And that's one big ass since it's on the big screen. I'm guessing on the screen I saw it, it was twenty feet high.

5. Shia Labeouf. His acting can be described with one word. Cranky. He's irritated in the whole movie. I'm guessing because he got stuck in this stinker.

6. Ken Jeoung as Jerry Wang. Jeoung basically channels his Chow character from The Hangover II for Wang. Yeah, it's funny at first. But when he gets thrown out a window by a Decepticon, it's not so funny. Why? This character becomes quite lovable in a couple minutes and then it becomes dark comedy to just wildly inappropriate since he's described as being splattered all over the sidewalk.

7. The Apollo 11 Mission. Okay, first I'm pissed off that the film rewrote history so that now the Apollo mission was to find the Autobots ship. Second, it makes no sense to send the tiny lunar module to try to salvage that gigantic ship. This all leads us to...

8. Buzz Aldrin's cameo. Yes, real life Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin makes a cameo to shake the hand of Optimus Prime. He's going to regret being in this stinker, especially since it rewrote his place in history! I'm guessing he's still annoyed about getting bumped off Dancing With The Stars so early. Maybe he has learned from fellow Stars Chad Ochocinco about keeping in the public eye with stupid stunts.

9. Carly's fight with Sam. This might be the dumbest moment in the movie. Okay, Carly gets mad at Sam for not going to a party with her. Sam's reason? He wants to work with Autobots. And why does Sam want to do that? To save the world. You got it folks. Carly is mad about Sam not going to the party because he has to save the world. And she's worth rescuing?

10. Carly's clothes stay clean. During all the destruction, Carly's white outfit stays clean. Yeah, and Bay lovingly shoots her like this was a set for designer clothes.

11. The Humans decide to jump out of a skyscraper without parachutes. Our rag tag group of humans are trapped in a crumbling skyscraper. Somebody yells for them to jump out. Huh? The fall should kill them. But thanks to a contrived screenplay, the building breaks in pieces and slants down so they can slide on it.

12. The soft rock song cues. After the Decepticons take over Chicago, Director Michael Bay plays a soft rock song to accompany the survivors sorrow. This type of hokey stuff are the things that South Park's Trey Parker and Matt Stone parody in Baseketball and Team America: World Police.

13. Carly uses reverse psychiatry on Decepticon Megatron. As I stated before Whiteley can't act so when she uses reverse psychiatry on the big and bad Decepticon Megatron to get him to fight Sentinel Prime, it just sounds like she's reading the phone book. Plus, the lines with her calling Megatron a bitch are funny. And does it make any sense for Megatron to take out Sentinel Prime so the Autobots can win?

14. The scene where Optimus Prime is in front of the flag. Look, I love the United States too but you can overdo patriotism in a movie. In one of the last scenes, Optimus Prime gives a speech about freedom in front of a tattered American flag. Wow. That scene is just pure corn. I was waiting for Sarah Palin to jump out and yell, "Do you love your freedom?"

15. While destroying Chicago, the Decepticons forget to kill the Cubs. Okay, that didn't happen. But I'm sure some baseball fans would want that.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

you wrote "it makes no sense to send the tiny lunar module to try to salvage that gigantic ship"

they weren't there to salvage the ship, it was only to find out what the ship was and to take footage of the wreckage.