Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Insane Moments of Sharktopus

Okay, I'll admit that I watched Sharktopus (2010, TV movie for SYFY) a couple of times to catalog the crazy moments in this stinker. Hey, I'm a glutton for punishment. It seems at times, the filmmakers knew they were making a stupid movie and had their tongues or should I say tentacles in their cheeks. The problem is they didn't go all the way and turn this bomb into a comedy. Anyway, I'll divide this revisit of Sharktopus into three categories, terrible acting, awful dialogue and crazy action.

1. Terrible Acting. Eric Roberts plays corporate scientist Sands. He absolutely hams everything up because he knows this movie is stupid. Or maybe he's like that in every movie. Everything he does is done with a smirk. Sara Lane plays his daughter, Nicole. Her idea of acting? Look seasick. Kerem Bursin who plays hired gun, Flynn. He was probably cast for his pectoral muscles. He'll probably be posing for Playgirl soon. Liv Boughn plays reporter Stacy Everheart and runs around in a halter with her midriff on display. She looks like a cheap hooker that you see in any big city. With the exception of Shandi Finnessey (Stephanie) and Brent Huff (Commander Cox) everybody else are a bunch of robots.

And let's not forget the Sharktopus Wave demonstrated by the actors who play victims. This happens when Sharktopus grabs you with his tentacle. How do you do it? Throw your arms up like you're on a rollercoster and shake your hands.

2. Awful Dialogue

a. Girl no. 1.: Swim with me.
Girl no. 2: In the ocean? There's fish out there.

b. Sands: Very National Geographic, isn't it?

c. Sands: Make me proud pumpkin.
Nicole: I told you to stop calling me that.
Sands: Make me proud Nicole. (This is bizarre because it occurs as Nicole is using a computer to control Sharktopus.)

d. After a painter jokes with his buddy about gruesome ways to die, Sharktopus grabs the friend. When it grabs the painter, he yells, "Oh no, not like this." Check the clip below. Sorry about the volume, it's low.

e. Commander Cox: You just unleashed an eight legged man eating shark on the world.
Sands: A minor setback.

f. Sands: Relax commander. We'll get S-11 (Sharktopus) even if we have to go to the ends of the earth. (Roberts delivers this with a goofy smirk.)

g. Stacy Everheart: Stop starring at my rack. They're just boobs, they're not going to get up and dance or anything.

h. Pez (witness and beach bum during TV interview): And then I saw the tentacles, the black soulless eyes just like my third wife.

i. After Sharktopus has slaughtered people, Pez comments that's it was horrible.
Stacy Everheart in deadpan voice: Sure, sure. Horrible.

j. Sands must report to his navy handler. First he's got to drink. I'm guessing the drinks are real. Because Roberts' performance just gets more goofy after this.

Sands: First, bring me a great big enormous scotch.

k. Stacy Everheart: Oh, Pez. I could just hug you right now if you were better looking and had better hygiene. (She does and Pez grabs her ass.)

l. Bones (Everheart's cameraman): He was kinda of a nice guy. (Pez) Smelled a little funky but he was okay. But now he's dead.

m. Tourist on watching Sharktopus attacking dancers: Is that part of the show?

n. Tourist teenager after seeing Sharktopus kill: Dude, that's awesome.

o. Flynn to tourists: There's a killer shark octopus hybrid headed this way.

p. Sands to Flynn: What's your life compared to a miracle of science?

3. Crazy Action

a. Flynn is relaxing in a pool underwater. He's dressed in only his swim trunks. He then surfaces in a sombrero.

b. Flynn is still in the pool playing water polo with some lovelies. He's informed that the Sharktopus has escaped. The ball is thrown over and hits him.

c. An old man (Producer Roger Corman) admires a cute woman bending over to pick up a coin. She's attacked by Sharktopus. Old man does nothing and later takes the coin.

d. The Classic Scene. A woman goes bungie jumping. As she reaches the bottom of the dive, Sharktopus jumps out of the water and swallows her whole. It's in trailer below.

e. There's a couple of times where people just stand around and wait to be skewered by Sharktopus' tentacles. Hello? Run you idiots.

f. Sharktopus uses his tentacle and rips off his head harness. Later in the movie he uses his tentacle to remove a harpoon stuck in his head. It just looks ridiculous.

g. Flynn and buddy Santos joke around after Sharktopus has just killed two team members.

h. Couple has just witnessed gruesome deaths. Yet, husband still wants to stay on the water and fish. Guess what happens?

i. I believe that was real scotch that Eric Roberts was drinking. Because
as the movie goes on, he seems blitzed.

j. Sharktopus is impervious to bullets. Flynn unloads his machine gun into Sharktopus. Yet, nothing happens. The funniest scene is to watch the monster react to getting shot in the head in a stiff almost stop action motion.

k. Favorite type of Sharktopus kill. When Sharktopus is out of the water, comes over the top of a person and bites him in the head. It looks like Saturday Night Live's Land Shark skit.

l. Sharktopus growls.

m. The Sharktopus Chomp. When Sharktopus eats a person whole, he makes a chomping noise. CHOMP!

n. Marachi music always signals that some poor tourist is going to become human chum.

o. Sharktopus on land. It looks absolutely ludicrous. First, how does this thing breathe above water? Second, it uses its tentacles to walk around. WTF? A big shark head out of water and eating people reminds me of SNL's Land Shark. And check out the scene (in the trailer above) where it makes a snack out of a tourist who is riding a lift. LOL.

p. The kill switch password. At the end of the movie, Nicole is frantically trying to figure out the password which will activate the kill switch for Sharktopus. You'll guess it way before she does. That's because the screenplay writer telegraphed it. Hint: It's a word that Nicole doesn't like being called.

4. Conclusion. I wonder if there is going to be an extended DVD version of this turkey. Because I'm curious if there's move insanity that wasn't in the TV version.

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