Monday, May 21, 2012

The dumb moments of "Battleship"

If a movie is really dumb, I like to point out the stupidity. And as I have done with "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" (2011) and "Sharktopus" (2010) it's time to point out the really moronic parts of Battleship. I might add that Battleship is one of the dumbest movies that I have ever seen. That's no easy feat since I've seen hundreds of movies. Battleship could be as bad as Plan 9 from Outer Space. (1959) Okay it might not be that bad sine Battleship does have better special effects. Anyway, let's go over the stupid moments of Battleship. Warning. Spoilers ahead.

1. Chicken Burrito. This sounds like a bad joke but the movie starts out this way. Samantha Shane played by Brooklyn Decker, the gorgeous and voluptuous model, walks into a bar. She goes up to the bartender and orders a chicken burrito. Said bartender closes the microwave door and says the kitchen is closed. WHAT?! I'm guessing the writers have never gone to a bar. There's no last call for frozen microwave food, it's the drinking that they stop at a certain hour. Anyway, if Brooklyn Decker wants you to nuke a chicken burrito, you can't make an exception? You can't put the bloody thing in for two minutes for one absolutely beautiful woman? I would lick her boots if she asked me.

2. Breaking and entering a food mart for a chicken burrito. Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) says he'll get Samantha a chicken burrito. He commits the offense of breaking and entering to get it. Yeah, I know this is supposed to be funny. But when the cops tase Alex when he's delivering the burrito, it comes off as stupid.

3. Samantha falls in love with Alex. Or love at first tase. Samantha falls in love with Alex over the chicken burrito. Are you kidding me? The idiot just broke into a food mart. Got tased for it. Who knew that committing a crime could be so attractive.

4. Alex survives multiple taser shots after stealing the chicken burrito. With that many taser shots, he should have at least been in the hospital.

5. The Navy takes Alex and makes him an officer. The military doesn't take people with felony convictions. In most states, breaking and entering is a felony.

6. NASA scientists contact the aliens. Get this. NASA scientists find a planet light years away that looks like it could support life. They send a signal to it, thus advertising our whereabouts. Hold on. HOW THE HELL DO WE KNOW IF THE ALIENS ARE GOING TO BE FRIENDLY? I mean these guys are supposed to be smart.

7. Animated radio signal. The movie animates the radio signal to look like a laser blast. It comes complete with sound effects. Yeah, let's forget about the science part in science fiction.

8. Dumb aliens. It's hard to say who is dumber. The humans or the aliens? First let me say the aliens don't arrive in force. The seem to send about five ships. This is their invasion fleet? And if it's a scouting party, how are they going to scout when they are just in the Pacific. Wouldn't it make sense to say orbit the planet and see where the earth's defenses are?

9. Dumb aliens can't drive. Okay, when the aliens arrive in the earth's orbit, one of their ships rear ends a satellite. Let me get this right. They can fly at faster than light speeds to reach us but they can't get out of the way of a lowly satellite?

10. Attack of the Lizard Amish. The aliens are pasty faced humanoids. They have red soul patch beard. They have lizard type eyes. They look like a mixture of an Amish male and a lizard. Call them Lizard Amish.

11. Aliens don't destroy Alex's destroyer. The aliens destroy two of the three destroyer squadron. They don't obliterate Alex's destroyer, the John Paul Jones. Yes, I know if they did that, it's the end of the movie. But it's stupid.

12. The mano-a-mano fight. Some aliens land on Alex's destroyer. Their mission? Find a chicken burrito. I kid. As one is examining the engine room he's attacked by a crew member and Alex. Now the alien can kick everybody's ass. Instead of completing his mission, said alien decides he needs kick Alex's butt. Again, they're smart enough to fly faster than the speed of light. And they can get distracted like this?

13. The aliens can't see without their helmets. Assuming the aliens are smart, they had to know that their eyes can't see in the sunlight of earth. Okay. Then why invade? They can't see their enemies. Real smart Lizard Amish. This goes back to the lack of scouting.

14. The alien peg shaped flying mines. Okay, the aliens who have advanced technology use peg shaped mines to sink ships. This is clearly a nod to the Hasbro game on which the movie is based. You see the game uses pegs to mark hits. But seriously, if the aliens could fly all the way to earth, don't you think they would have better weapons. Say, what about really big laser gun?

15. Use of the USS Missouri. At the risk of sounding unpatriotic, the filmmakers use the legendary battleship USS Missouri for a climatic showdown with the alien ship. The ship has been decommissioned. I might accept the plot point where our heroes get the ship running. But I can't accept that it happens to be carrying live shells since the ship is a floating museum! Again, with the risk of sounding unpatriotic, to help man the ship, the movie shows that there are naval veterans who just happen to be hanging out. Hey, if I'm wrong, somebody please correct me.

16. Rihanna. Singer Rihanna is cast as gunners mate. I'm guessing this is for credibility. I kid. I keeed. Look, she's not an actress. And though she's not horrible, I could not take her seriously for the role.

17. Rihanna's Magic Cap. Rihanna's baseball cap never comes off in battle. When the John Paul Jones sinks, she jumps in the water. And when she's rescued, the cap stays on.

18. The post credits scene in Scotland. Three Scottish kids find an alien capsule. They get dad. He proceeds to take a power saw and open it. Does not even other to contact the authorities. Real smart. Of course, an alien pops out. This is what makes me root for the aliens.

And perhaps, the dumbest part of this movie happened before the movie was made. It belongs to the Universal executives who greenlit this turkey.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

LMAO! Such a brilliant review that so accurately sums up this dumb movie. The film's so incoherent that it's laughably ridiculous. Used to be fond of Taylor Kitsch; guess the name Taylor Kidsch suits him better going forward :-D