Cincinnati Bengals Offer New Fan Service

FAKE NEWS- Tung N. Cheek reporting.

Now that it looks like Cincinnati Bengals Jerome Simpson was involved in trafficking a load of marijuana, the Bengals have offered a new service to entice fans to buy season tickets. Here's my interview with Bengals owner Mike Brown.

Cheek: Do you have any comment on the allegation of the large marijuana shipment sent to Jerome Simpsons' house?

Brown: It's all part of the Bengals way.

Cheek: How's that?

Brown: I like my players to be criminals. You do know since 2000, the Cincinnati Bengals have had the most players arrested in the NFL. (True fact. Check it out.)

Cheek: I'm sorry did you say that you want your players to be crooks? What the f_ck??

Brown: Yeah. Two reasons. I can pay a NFL player much less if he's tainted. You know like a crook. None of those "winning teams" sign criminals.

Cheek: Yeah, but those teams do win. Look at the New England Patriots.

Brown: Winning, schminning. Look at how much money I'm making.

Cheek: I'm getting a headache. What is the second reason for having criminals on the team?

Brown: I've noticed we're not selling out at the stadium. So, the Cincinnati Bengals will offer a new service to season ticket holders. If you're a season ticket holder, you get an app for your cell phone. It's called "THE CINCINNATI BENGALS CRIMINAL WARNING." If you go to the app, it will warn you when a Cincinnati Bengals will commit a crime. If you're a woman, it will save you from getting sexually assaulted by a Bengal. If you're at a night club, it will warn you that a Bengal is in the bar, and tell you to get the hell out of there before a Bengal will beat you to a bloody pulp. Hey, check out what our Cedric Benson did to his roommate. SCARED PEOPLE OF CINCINNATI? YOU BETTER BE. IF YOU DON'T BUY TICKETS, I'LL UNLEASH THE BENGALS ON YOU. And before you poor people scream about not being able to afford to buy tickets, once we sell out, the service will be available for a minimal cost to users of the Internet.

Cheek: Sounds like you're trying to extort money from the people of Cincinnati.

Brown: How do you think I got the Bengals stadium built?

Cheek: I'm kind of sick. Anything else?

Brown: Please embed the video of where we get our players.

Cheek: Okay. Below is the secret video of where the Bengals get their players.