FAKE NEWS- Reporter and hip hop artist Tung N. Cheek is reporting on the Cincinnati Bengals new offenses and defenses. In this exclusive interview, offensive coordinator Jay Gruden (pictured) and defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer discuss how the Bengals will use Ohio's new carry and concealed weapon law which now allows people to carry their handguns into stadiums. As a bonus, Fake News has also embedded Stephen Colbert's take on the law.
Cheek: First Coach Gruden, how are you going to attack the Pittsburgh Steelers 3-4 defense?
Gruden: 3-4 defense? I'm from the UFL, we didn't have that.
Cheek: Well, the Steelers use a zone blitz scheme.
Gruden: Huh?
Cheek: Sometimes they will drop linebackers and even defensive ends into coverage and blitz corners.
Gruden: (Nervous) Oh boy. Oh boy. I think I just had an accident. Did I remind everyone that I'm the brother of Jon Gruden. NFL DNA. NFL DNA.
Cheek: Okay. Coach Zimmer I've heard you and Coach Gruden are going to take advantage of Ohio's new carry and concealed law which will allow guns into stadiums.
Zimmer: Yes. We looked at the team and figured there's no way we're going to win more than two games. We also found out that the Cincinnati Bengals lead the NFL in arrests since 2000. So we've decided to embrace that. Our free agents are going to be the worst scum in the NFL. Those are the guys we're going to sign. Free agents must have a criminal record. The worst record, the better. Then we're going to arm them. Defensive Tackle Tank Johnson is already ahead of all linemen. I meant he's got all those assault weapons. Anyway, the Steelers, the Cleveland Browns, and the Baltimore Ravens are going to shit when they see we're packing.
Cheek: I'm not sure criminals are allowed to pack heat.
Gruden: Ohio will pass an exception for the Bengals.
Cheek: Coach Gruden, do you think you'll be able to get right tackle Andre Smith on the field. After all, he's broken his foot twice due to being fat.
Gruden: No need to worry Bengals fans. Smith will play from a golf cart. Plus when some guy is going to rush the quarterback, he's going to whip out his .357 magnum. Might I add because Smith has got such a big ass, he can hide more two more handguns where the sun don't shine.
Cheek: Thanks for the information, Coach Zimmer and Coach Gruden.
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