FAKE NEWS- Tung N. Cheek here. Today I talk to Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown, offensive coordinator Jay Gruden and offensive tackle, Andre Smith, about Friday's preseason loss to the Detroit Lions, 34-3.
Cheek: Mr. Brown, what did you think of the Bengals' performance in their first preseason game?
Brown: I'm so giddy about this. I'm going to do my Tony the Tiger. It was greeeeat.
Cheek: Huh? The Lions ran over your defense like road kill. You fumbled your first kick-off. And quarterback Andy Dalton's first pass was an interception.
Brown: This is the Bengals way.
Cheek: Remind me. What is the Bengals way?
Brown: To lose in epic fashion.
Cheek: But what about winning?
Brown: Winning shminning. It costs me money to field a good team. Winning is expensive. I don't need to win to make money. This is the NFL. It's socialism. Plus, I'm fu#king the sh#t out of the people of Cincinnati in the stadium deal. Hey Cheek, I would like to thank the Lions.
Cheek: For what?
Brown: Well, we couldn't get our field goal team to line up before the two minute warning. The kick went through but was nullified. Well, you know what happened when we had to kick it again. We missed. The Lions were able to get their field goal unit on with less than ten seconds. They made their kick. The Lions really showed us. See epic losing.
Cheek: Anything else about the game?
Brown: Did you like the 5/3 Bank commercial with the old lady dancing to a boom box?
Cheek: You mean the one with the lady who looked like she was ninety, barely moving and wearing Bengals gear? (TV ad posted below.)
Brown: Yeah. That was my nanny from childhood. And she's ninety eight. She was also my wet nurse.
Cheek: Too much information. Coach Gruden, what did you think about the game?
Gruden: Well, watching it from the sidelines, those guys are big. Hard to see what the defense was doing.
Cheek: You know you can watch it from above.
Gruden: Really? (Looks at me cross-eyed.) Well, I'm really mad at the Lions, a couple of times they rushed seven guys.
Cheek: Um, this is the NFL, not the UFL. They're allowed to do that.
Gruden: Hey, remind everyone I'm Jon Gruden's brother.
Cheek: Andre Smith, on the broadcast, color man and Hall of Fame tackle Anthony Munoz criticized you for an ole' move that missed a block.
Smith: Ain't going to mess up my face for the Bengals. Just got a deal to be a Hollywood superstar. Going to be a superhero.
Cheek: Really? What's the movie character?
Smith: Listen to this. (Sings to the TV Batman theme.) Yada, yada, yada, yada... FATMAN. Yada, yada, yada, yada... FATMAN. FATMAN, FATMAN, FATMAN.
Cheek: So what's your costume going to look like?
Smith: Ain't going to need one. Let me take off my T-shirt. Check out my man boobs!
Cheek: They're big.
Smith: Wanna feel them?
Cheek: No thanks. I think they would give Dolly Parton's breasts a run for the money.
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