Look, I'm going to do this now since I don't want to forget the stupid moments in Transformers: Dark of the Moon. That's because I don't want to see this bomb again to remember the dumb things about this turkey. Now I did do this with Sharktopus, a movie on the same level of quality as T:DOTM. So, here we go:
1. The Bunny Thing. Carly (Rosie Huntington Whiteley) gives this big white bunny toy to Sam. (Shia Labeouf) They later fight over it, and Carly tears off a foot to give to Sam. Maybe, that's supposed to be cute. But, I have no idea what the bunny means except maybe it's product placement for Playboy.
2. Sam can't get a job after saving the world twice. Let me get this right. Sam has saved the world twice. He got a medal from President Obama. And he can't get a freaking job?
3. Rosie Huntington Whiteley. Ms. Whiteley has set back the acting profession for British women for a hundred years. Yeah, she's that bad. Her only acting cues go from looking like she's modeling the body hugging clothes to screaming. She's absolutely dreadful. They should have just used a mannequin. They would have gotten the same performance and it would have been cheaper.
4. Whiteley's Ass. Okay, our first introduction to the gorgeous Whiteley is a close up of her ass as she is walking to the Sam's bed. And that's one big ass since it's on the big screen. I'm guessing on the screen I saw it, it was twenty feet high.
5. Shia Labeouf. His acting can be described with one word. Cranky. He's irritated in the whole movie. I'm guessing because he got stuck in this stinker.
6. Ken Jeoung as Jerry Wang. Jeoung basically channels his Chow character from The Hangover II for Wang. Yeah, it's funny at first. But when he gets thrown out a window by a Decepticon, it's not so funny. Why? This character becomes quite lovable in a couple minutes and then it becomes dark comedy to just wildly inappropriate since he's described as being splattered all over the sidewalk.
7. The Apollo 11 Mission. Okay, first I'm pissed off that the film rewrote history so that now the Apollo mission was to find the Autobots ship. Second, it makes no sense to send the tiny lunar module to try to salvage that gigantic ship. This all leads us to...
8. Buzz Aldrin's cameo. Yes, real life Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin makes a cameo to shake the hand of Optimus Prime. He's going to regret being in this stinker, especially since it rewrote his place in history! I'm guessing he's still annoyed about getting bumped off Dancing With The Stars so early. Maybe he has learned from fellow Stars Chad Ochocinco about keeping in the public eye with stupid stunts.
9. Carly's fight with Sam. This might be the dumbest moment in the movie. Okay, Carly gets mad at Sam for not going to a party with her. Sam's reason? He wants to work with Autobots. And why does Sam want to do that? To save the world. You got it folks. Carly is mad about Sam not going to the party because he has to save the world. And she's worth rescuing?
10. Carly's clothes stay clean. During all the destruction, Carly's white outfit stays clean. Yeah, and Bay lovingly shoots her like this was a set for designer clothes.
11. The Humans decide to jump out of a skyscraper without parachutes. Our rag tag group of humans are trapped in a crumbling skyscraper. Somebody yells for them to jump out. Huh? The fall should kill them. But thanks to a contrived screenplay, the building breaks in pieces and slants down so they can slide on it.
12. The soft rock song cues. After the Decepticons take over Chicago, Director Michael Bay plays a soft rock song to accompany the survivors sorrow. This type of hokey stuff are the things that South Park's Trey Parker and Matt Stone parody in Baseketball and Team America: World Police.
13. Carly uses reverse psychiatry on Decepticon Megatron. As I stated before Whiteley can't act so when she uses reverse psychiatry on the big and bad Decepticon Megatron to get him to fight Sentinel Prime, it just sounds like she's reading the phone book. Plus, the lines with her calling Megatron a bitch are funny. And does it make any sense for Megatron to take out Sentinel Prime so the Autobots can win?
14. The scene where Optimus Prime is in front of the flag. Look, I love the United States too but you can overdo patriotism in a movie. In one of the last scenes, Optimus Prime gives a speech about freedom in front of a tattered American flag. Wow. That scene is just pure corn. I was waiting for Sarah Palin to jump out and yell, "Do you love your freedom?"
15. While destroying Chicago, the Decepticons forget to kill the Cubs. Okay, that didn't happen. But I'm sure some baseball fans would want that.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
The Cincinnati Reds Lose The Ohio Cup
With today's loss 8-2 to the Cleveland Indians, the Cincinnati Reds have lost the coveted Ohio Cup. If you don't know about this prized possession, wanted by all sports teams even Canadian hurlers, it's the trophy given to the winner of the year series between the Cincinnati Reds and the Cleveland Indians.
Okay, on to the serious stuff. I've complained that Reds starting pitcher Bronson Arroyo has not looked like himself. I blame the mononucleosis. Today he was throwing batting practice. The Indians blasted three home runs off him. And he ended up giving eight earned runs. Reds radio color analyst noted that Arroyo is not getting his fastball up to speed. It's time for Reds management to talk to Arroyo and see if there is a problem. That might mean to DL him. There are better options in the minors. Dontrelle Willis. Travis Wood. The Reds cannot continue to send him out there.
Okay, on to the serious stuff. I've complained that Reds starting pitcher Bronson Arroyo has not looked like himself. I blame the mononucleosis. Today he was throwing batting practice. The Indians blasted three home runs off him. And he ended up giving eight earned runs. Reds radio color analyst noted that Arroyo is not getting his fastball up to speed. It's time for Reds management to talk to Arroyo and see if there is a problem. That might mean to DL him. There are better options in the minors. Dontrelle Willis. Travis Wood. The Reds cannot continue to send him out there.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Transformers: Dark of the Moon 3D Review
As I was driving to the theater to see Transformers: Dark of the Moon in 3D, I was wondering if Director Michael Bay (The Rock) would do something different than his usual stuff. And that stuff is blowing things up and having overly dramatic visuals. Maybe he would have a deep rich, sophisticated, intelligent science fiction movie. And then as I pulled into the parking lot, I said to myself, "Am I nuts?" This is Michael Bay. You know the guy that directed the ridiculous Armageddon. (1998) As for Dark of the Moon being an intelligent film, all I can say in a New York accent, "Fuhget about it."
If you don't know already Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a movie based on the Hasbro toys. Yes, the toys that turn into robots from everyday vehicles. I always thought this was a bad idea for a movie but hey, the first two were gang busters at the box office. So, what's next? Slinky, the movie?
The the movie starts out with the war between the good Autobots and the evil Decepticons on Cybertron. It's a fantastic scene. The Autobots are losing so they launch a ship called the Ark with their last hope to save their race. The Ark crashes on the moon during President John F. Kennedy's administration. The United States finds out about it. Kennedy decides to find a way to get to the craft first before the Soviets, thus the beginning of the space race. This leads to real reason for Apollo 11 which was to recover the ship from the moon.
We flash forward to present day where, the hero from the last two Transfomers movie, Sam Whitwicky (Shia LaBeouf) has just waken up to his gorgeous girlfriend Carly Spencer (Rosie Huntington Whiteley). We find out that despite having saved the world and getting a medal from President Obama, Sam can't get a job. What? Let me get this straight, your resume says you saved the world. And nobody will hire you? Tough times. Anyway, Sam gets a job at a high tech firm in the mailroom It's there that Jerry Wang (Ken Jeoung) confronts him about a plot between humans and Decepticons.
Meanwhile, the Autobots and the U.S. government have been working together. Primarily, the Autobots work to keep man from destroying himself. Autobot Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) finds out that the humans have discovered the Ark. He goes to the moon to retrieve the contents which were Autobot Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy) and the Pillars which would create a bridge between points in space. This bridge could not just allow transport but also allow matter to come through. The Decepticons want the Pillars so the can set up a base in Chicago and literally bring Cybertron to earth. That's probably because the Decepticons are mad at the Chicago Cubs for their early exits from the playoffs. Okay, that's not right. Anyway, its' up to Sam to save the world again.
Shia LaBeouf as Sam is cranky throughout the whole movie. Probably because he realized that nobody is going to take him seriously in any future drama.
Rosie Huntington Whiteley is cold like a mannequin. That's because she was a Victoria Secret's model and not an actress. In fact, they should have used a mannequin, it would have been cheaper. Frances McDormand (Fargo?!) plays a defense intelligence official. Her lines are so ridiculous that she'll probably never step out of a Coen Brothers movie again. Only Leonard Nimoy who voices Sentinel Prime does an excellent job. He's regal and for an actor who is eighty, he still has a lot of energy.
Writer Ehren Kruger has created a mess of a script. The story lines go wildly from crazy comedy to wild action. I mean Ken Jeong basically reprises his role of Chow from The Hangover. His scenes with LaBeouf are hilarious but when a Decepticon attacks him, it's too dark to be funny. And when you get to emotional scenes, you don't care because of the crazy swings of tone.
And speaking of The Hangover, that's the way you will feel when you finish seeing this movie. Bay can't keep anything still. Sweeping camera shots. You'll be hard pressed to find a scene which has more than two minutes of dialogue. And I'm sure he heard the criticism of the lingering shots of female eye candy Megan Fox because Bay doubles down. He starts our introduction of Whiteley by following her butt in a g-string as she goes to the bed of LaBeouf. A wink at the camera? Since Whiteley is English, does that mean the scene is cheeky?
Anyway, Bay keeps the action constantly going. There's no let up. And that's the problem. He pounds you in your seats. Sometimes it's hard to track which are the good robots and which are the bad ones. Some of the action is just ludicrous. For example, the Decepticons topple a building and as it's falling the humans jump out of the window. Okay, that should kill them. No. You see the building is brought down in parts and the humans slide down the slanted portion. What? There are also some hokey music cues. I'm guessing in an effort to appeal to the young adult crowd, he has to have rock songs accompany the action. There's one scene where the humans are beaten down after the Decepticons have taken over downtown Chicago. Bay uses a soft rock song that sounds like something that Trey Parker and Matt Stone would parody. All of this stupidity goes on for one hundred and fifty five minutes.
Okay, some of you liked the Transformer movies. Some of you voted for Sarah Palin. I keeed. I keeed. And at the theater I saw it, people applauded the end or maybe they were happy it was over. But this is a 3D review, and guess what? The 3D portion of the movie is the only redeeming part of the film. The 3D effects in one word are spectacular. That's because most of the movie was filmed in 3D. Effects pop. There are subtle effects where you can see depth and money shots where things are flung at you. If you want to see this movie, go to the 3D version.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a cure for narcolepsy. Instead of waterboarding terror suspects, we should show them this movie. It should be the favorite for the Razzie for Worst Picture. The grade is D.
P.S. For you Trekkers, there are Star Trek references. At Sam's apartment, two Autobots are watching an episode of Star Trek. They say it's the one where Spock goes mad. I'm guessing "Amok Time' since we don't see the screen. Plus at the end of the movie, there's a music credit for the episode. At Carly's workplace, Sam comments on the clean and high tech office by comparing it to the bridge of the Enterprise. Of course, Sentinel Prime is voiced by Leonard Nimoy. Later he quotes the "The needs of the many..." line from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan much to the dismay of this Trekker since Dark of the Moon is terrible.
If you don't know already Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a movie based on the Hasbro toys. Yes, the toys that turn into robots from everyday vehicles. I always thought this was a bad idea for a movie but hey, the first two were gang busters at the box office. So, what's next? Slinky, the movie?
The the movie starts out with the war between the good Autobots and the evil Decepticons on Cybertron. It's a fantastic scene. The Autobots are losing so they launch a ship called the Ark with their last hope to save their race. The Ark crashes on the moon during President John F. Kennedy's administration. The United States finds out about it. Kennedy decides to find a way to get to the craft first before the Soviets, thus the beginning of the space race. This leads to real reason for Apollo 11 which was to recover the ship from the moon.
We flash forward to present day where, the hero from the last two Transfomers movie, Sam Whitwicky (Shia LaBeouf) has just waken up to his gorgeous girlfriend Carly Spencer (Rosie Huntington Whiteley). We find out that despite having saved the world and getting a medal from President Obama, Sam can't get a job. What? Let me get this straight, your resume says you saved the world. And nobody will hire you? Tough times. Anyway, Sam gets a job at a high tech firm in the mailroom It's there that Jerry Wang (Ken Jeoung) confronts him about a plot between humans and Decepticons.
Meanwhile, the Autobots and the U.S. government have been working together. Primarily, the Autobots work to keep man from destroying himself. Autobot Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) finds out that the humans have discovered the Ark. He goes to the moon to retrieve the contents which were Autobot Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy) and the Pillars which would create a bridge between points in space. This bridge could not just allow transport but also allow matter to come through. The Decepticons want the Pillars so the can set up a base in Chicago and literally bring Cybertron to earth. That's probably because the Decepticons are mad at the Chicago Cubs for their early exits from the playoffs. Okay, that's not right. Anyway, its' up to Sam to save the world again.
Shia LaBeouf as Sam is cranky throughout the whole movie. Probably because he realized that nobody is going to take him seriously in any future drama.
Rosie Huntington Whiteley is cold like a mannequin. That's because she was a Victoria Secret's model and not an actress. In fact, they should have used a mannequin, it would have been cheaper. Frances McDormand (Fargo?!) plays a defense intelligence official. Her lines are so ridiculous that she'll probably never step out of a Coen Brothers movie again. Only Leonard Nimoy who voices Sentinel Prime does an excellent job. He's regal and for an actor who is eighty, he still has a lot of energy.
Writer Ehren Kruger has created a mess of a script. The story lines go wildly from crazy comedy to wild action. I mean Ken Jeong basically reprises his role of Chow from The Hangover. His scenes with LaBeouf are hilarious but when a Decepticon attacks him, it's too dark to be funny. And when you get to emotional scenes, you don't care because of the crazy swings of tone.
And speaking of The Hangover, that's the way you will feel when you finish seeing this movie. Bay can't keep anything still. Sweeping camera shots. You'll be hard pressed to find a scene which has more than two minutes of dialogue. And I'm sure he heard the criticism of the lingering shots of female eye candy Megan Fox because Bay doubles down. He starts our introduction of Whiteley by following her butt in a g-string as she goes to the bed of LaBeouf. A wink at the camera? Since Whiteley is English, does that mean the scene is cheeky?
Anyway, Bay keeps the action constantly going. There's no let up. And that's the problem. He pounds you in your seats. Sometimes it's hard to track which are the good robots and which are the bad ones. Some of the action is just ludicrous. For example, the Decepticons topple a building and as it's falling the humans jump out of the window. Okay, that should kill them. No. You see the building is brought down in parts and the humans slide down the slanted portion. What? There are also some hokey music cues. I'm guessing in an effort to appeal to the young adult crowd, he has to have rock songs accompany the action. There's one scene where the humans are beaten down after the Decepticons have taken over downtown Chicago. Bay uses a soft rock song that sounds like something that Trey Parker and Matt Stone would parody. All of this stupidity goes on for one hundred and fifty five minutes.
Okay, some of you liked the Transformer movies. Some of you voted for Sarah Palin. I keeed. I keeed. And at the theater I saw it, people applauded the end or maybe they were happy it was over. But this is a 3D review, and guess what? The 3D portion of the movie is the only redeeming part of the film. The 3D effects in one word are spectacular. That's because most of the movie was filmed in 3D. Effects pop. There are subtle effects where you can see depth and money shots where things are flung at you. If you want to see this movie, go to the 3D version.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a cure for narcolepsy. Instead of waterboarding terror suspects, we should show them this movie. It should be the favorite for the Razzie for Worst Picture. The grade is D.
P.S. For you Trekkers, there are Star Trek references. At Sam's apartment, two Autobots are watching an episode of Star Trek. They say it's the one where Spock goes mad. I'm guessing "Amok Time' since we don't see the screen. Plus at the end of the movie, there's a music credit for the episode. At Carly's workplace, Sam comments on the clean and high tech office by comparing it to the bridge of the Enterprise. Of course, Sentinel Prime is voiced by Leonard Nimoy. Later he quotes the "The needs of the many..." line from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan much to the dismay of this Trekker since Dark of the Moon is terrible.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Jon Stewart Exposes Fox News
On last night's The Daily Show, Jon Stewart discussed the victimization card that Fox News uses. He also explains to you what "fair and balanced" means. Check out his commentary.
The Cincinnati Reds Season Is Going Down The Drain
Last night the Cincinnati Reds lost to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, yes you right-wing freaks, I still call them "Devil" Rays. But I digress. The Reds lost a hard fought game when Reds reliever Logan Ondrusek gave up a ninth inning home run to Eve Longoria, er Evan Longoria. The 4-3 loss dropped the Reds to fourth place behind the Pittsburgh Pirates.
The loss ends the first half of the season at 81 games. So it's time to look ahead and see if the Reds have a chance. The starting pitching is coming around but today's starter Edinson Volquez is a disaster. Can't throw strikes and he's immature. Folks, that guy was the Reds starting day pitcher. The bullpen is good but the whole staff needs consistency. That by the way is the term for success for the Reds.
Defense. It's pretty good. The outfield is good with Drew Stubbs, Jay Bruce, and Chris Heisey. Infield solid except for one critical position. Shortstop. They're not terrible but they must be better. Shortstops Edgar Renteria and Paul Janish can't hit. So they better be great at defense. No such luck.
Offense. The Reds are a streaky team. There will be days when they can't buy a clutch hit. There are other days where the Reds will clobber the ball. The team must hit with runners in scoring position like last year.
The big problem with the Reds is consistency. When they get good pitching, they can't hit. When they hit, they don't get pitching. Hence, the Reds record of 41-40 and one half game behind the Pirates. If the Reds want to make the playoffs, they have to play up to their talents and consistently. Because it doesn't look like the Reds will make any trades to improve their shortstop position or get a number one starter.
The loss ends the first half of the season at 81 games. So it's time to look ahead and see if the Reds have a chance. The starting pitching is coming around but today's starter Edinson Volquez is a disaster. Can't throw strikes and he's immature. Folks, that guy was the Reds starting day pitcher. The bullpen is good but the whole staff needs consistency. That by the way is the term for success for the Reds.
Defense. It's pretty good. The outfield is good with Drew Stubbs, Jay Bruce, and Chris Heisey. Infield solid except for one critical position. Shortstop. They're not terrible but they must be better. Shortstops Edgar Renteria and Paul Janish can't hit. So they better be great at defense. No such luck.
Offense. The Reds are a streaky team. There will be days when they can't buy a clutch hit. There are other days where the Reds will clobber the ball. The team must hit with runners in scoring position like last year.
The big problem with the Reds is consistency. When they get good pitching, they can't hit. When they hit, they don't get pitching. Hence, the Reds record of 41-40 and one half game behind the Pirates. If the Reds want to make the playoffs, they have to play up to their talents and consistently. Because it doesn't look like the Reds will make any trades to improve their shortstop position or get a number one starter.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
The Edinson Volquez trade was a disaster
As the Cincinnati Reds lost to the Baltimore Orioles, I was reminded of Frank Robinsion. Remember the Reds traded an "old thirty" Robinson for Milt Pappas and change in late 1965. It was the worst trade in major league baseball history. Robinson would win the triple crown, and help the Orioles win two World Series. Pappas would only last three years with the Reds.
So why am I thinking about Robinson for Pappas? Because at the end of 2007, the Reds traded outfielder Josh Hamilton to the Texas Rangers for Edinson Volquez and change. The result? Last year, Josh Hamilton was the MVP. Volquez had a good year in 2008. He was injured in 2009 and had some success in 2010. But the red flags were warning the Reds. The Rangers dissatisfied with Volquez's control busted him down to single A ball. Folks, that's a maturity issue. And the Reds were forced to send Volquez back to the minors this year because of control problems.
Edinson Volquez showed Reds Nation last night why he's a bust. He looked like he had mechanical problems. If he can't repeat his delivery, then he can't pitch in the majors. And at this level, it's a maturity issue. As usual, he got behind hitters. That leads him to groove pitches to get a strike. Reds Manager Dusty Baker went to talk to him in the fourth, but not to remove him. It was clear Dusty was unhappy. Anyway he gave up four runs in four and one third innings. Of course, the Reds lost. They lost 5-4. Reds GM Walt Jocketty must stop the insanity. It's time to trade Volquez. Think about bringing back Travis Wood or bring up Dontrelle Willis.
The Reds loss dropped them into a third place tie with the Pittsburgh Pirates. Yeah, the Pittsburgh Pirates! This season is melting away like a Graeters' scoop of ice cream on a hot Cincinnati summer day.
So why am I thinking about Robinson for Pappas? Because at the end of 2007, the Reds traded outfielder Josh Hamilton to the Texas Rangers for Edinson Volquez and change. The result? Last year, Josh Hamilton was the MVP. Volquez had a good year in 2008. He was injured in 2009 and had some success in 2010. But the red flags were warning the Reds. The Rangers dissatisfied with Volquez's control busted him down to single A ball. Folks, that's a maturity issue. And the Reds were forced to send Volquez back to the minors this year because of control problems.
Edinson Volquez showed Reds Nation last night why he's a bust. He looked like he had mechanical problems. If he can't repeat his delivery, then he can't pitch in the majors. And at this level, it's a maturity issue. As usual, he got behind hitters. That leads him to groove pitches to get a strike. Reds Manager Dusty Baker went to talk to him in the fourth, but not to remove him. It was clear Dusty was unhappy. Anyway he gave up four runs in four and one third innings. Of course, the Reds lost. They lost 5-4. Reds GM Walt Jocketty must stop the insanity. It's time to trade Volquez. Think about bringing back Travis Wood or bring up Dontrelle Willis.
The Reds loss dropped them into a third place tie with the Pittsburgh Pirates. Yeah, the Pittsburgh Pirates! This season is melting away like a Graeters' scoop of ice cream on a hot Cincinnati summer day.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Colbert Makes Fun of Obama's Goal of Nation Building in America
Last night Stephen Colbert made fun of President Obama's plan to withdraw from Afghanistan and nation build the United States. Okay, he compares America to the problems of building Afghanistan. And get this when he talks about poorly educated, heavily armed and religious zealots here in America, guess whose pictures he uses.
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